Miren Outtakes Thread

[Talvieno]

Cuisinart requested I make a Miren Outtakes Thread and I promised I'd make it, so here it is!

WARNING: Spoilers if you haven't read through what's been posted in the main thread! Spoilers are not marked!

There aren't too many scenes to outtake just yet; the whole book was planned pretty neatly from the beginning and I haven't done much in the way of cutting yet. That said, there are definitely a few places here and there where I chopped little bits off that might be interesting to look at.

I will be posting cuts six or more chapters after the fact. Therefore, if you read chapter 20, expect to see chapter 14 cuts soon.

CUT CONTENT IS NON-CANON UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE

[Talvieno]

Chapters 10-12: Everet's Fever
Everet's Fever took a lot of tightening to reach where it is now. I wanted the feeling of repetition (because Miren was literally reduced to doing the same thing over and over) without the reader feeling like the book was growing repetitive. I wanted to to move fast enough to not overstay its welcome, gradually intensify, and then break with a peak. The whole sequence was very carefully controlled. I even mapped it out on a graph. (If anyone is interested, I also have the book's intended (overall!) intensity mapped out on a graph too. (This graph was made before I even really started writing, so it's no longer perfectly accurate. It's very difficult to stick to, too.)

Spoiler

Snippet 1: Miren talks to Thira the first morning. (CANON CUT)

Spoiler

    The fire had burned low, the old cotton rags still simmering in the pot. Last night's soup sat forgotten and stale at a corner of the hearth. The table and floor were spotted with bloodstains - and so was my dress.
    I carefully removed the stewing cleaning rags from the fire, then put another pot of water there to boil and stoked the flames higher. Then I went outside into the rain and got a fresh bucket of rainwater from the barrels.
    Thira bounced over to me excitedly and grabbed my dress in her teeth, giving it a tug.
    "I can't play right now, Thira," I said, petting her head. "I'll play soon. And I'll bring you a whole pot of soup."
    I'm not sure whether she understood, but she let me go, watching me with those strange eyes as I left the yard.

I love the little Thira scene, but unfortunately for Thira, she's entirely second to the drama of Miren becoming Everet's caretaker and saving his life. Pacing was of utmost importance and she didn't make the cut.

Snippet 2: Too medical (CANON CUT)

Spoiler

    clear drainage with a red tint, flecked with dirt or dried blood. The wound was ugly, swollen, and pink. The stitches were holding, but under the light, very uneven indeed. There was a spot near the bottom where it wasn't closed all the way, and it was draining through there.

We didn't need the extra detail and it pulled away from the core of the chapter. The reader is perfectly capable of understanding "things are getting worse" without me spelling out the medical specificities.

Snippet 3: Gods Don't Listen

Spoiler

    "Did you really wait for me the whole night, Miren?" he asked suddenly, tilting his head, eyes drilling into me.
    I paused; a part of me wondered if this was a trap, but I responded truthfully. "I did," I admitted. "I was scared. I lit a candle and I prayed for you. Even if the gods don't listen."
    He didn't seem sure how to respond, and after several moments, he turned back to his porridge.

Cut this actually! This was almost left out of the chapter but I ended up fitting a slimmer version in there. The "they sent me home, didn't they?" later in the chapter was just too good to leave out, so I tinkered until it worked. In the new version, Everet is a little warmer. I think that works out for the best.

And Miren stating she prayed even though she didn't think the gods would listen - that's a painful little detail I couldn't leave out. It's aching and desperate and determined and says so much about her in just a few words.

Chapters 13-14: "Come with me to Valen" and Branka
I wrote this scene six different times, exploring different variations of the conversation. Eventually I took the best bits of them and spliced them all together. I didn't keep all the variations, unfortunately, but enough of them survived to poke at them a bit if you're curious.

Snippet 1: Everet talks too much about laws

Spoiler

    Swordsmanship is legal for stock - er, half-humans - in Valen, and… it's the only other skill I can teach. The only one I know." He shrugged with the good arm.
    My mind spun. "So your plan is for us both to be on the road, training in the woods, and when we reach Valen, you're planning on granting me citizenship immediately."
    Everet nodded. "As soon as we get there."

Cut because I'd prefer Valen's laws to be a little fuzzier, it cuts away from the emotional pull of the scene, and Miren's half-citizenship is actually a little murkier depending on how fast she learns swordsmanship.

Snippet 2: Miren likes having choices

Spoiler

    He took a deep breath. "I'm going to offer you a choice," he said slowly, sitting up a little straighter in the pillows. "I want you to hear me out, and then decide whether you would come with me or let me sell you to someone kind in Falkenbruck."
    "And you would honor my choice?"
    Everet stared at me for a moment in confusion. "Well… yes? Why wouldn't I?" He paused, then said, "Don't answer that. I don't want to hear any variation of 'stock don't have opinions' or whatever else you're going to say. Yes, I'm going to honor your choice. And trust me, there's plenty of reason for a choice."

Cut because Miren obviously DOES want to go to Valen, and to her there's not really a choice. Also because Everet's classic flubs kind of take away from the emotional momentum, and the word "stock" hurts her enough that it would damper her enthusiasm. I need Miren at full capacity when she makes her little speech about the girls in her stall.

Snippet 3: Why not stay? Road is bad you know

Spoiler

    He hesitated. "Well… no, not live with me as my caprine," he said slowly, sitting up a little straighter in the pillows. "I want you to hear me out, and then decide whether you would come with me or let me sell you to someone kind in Falkenbruck."
    I snorted involuntarily. "Everet," I managed. "Why would I ever want to stay in Falkenbruck?"
    The man huffed out a laugh. "Two reasons. One, I don't know if you noticed, but the Church hates me. [REDACTED: ONE SENTENCE]"
    "Why, though?"
    He hesitated. "The reasons are many, but it all comes down to one thing: it is not safe for me to travel. [REDACTED: ONE SENTENCE]"
    "Not safe to travel," I echoed quietly. "But you're doing it anyway."
    A short nod. "Yeah. [REDACTED: ONE SENTENCE]"
    [REDACTED: MIREN SPEAKING FOR ONE SENTENCE]
    [REDACTED: EVERET SPEAKS FOR FIVE SENTENCES]
    I nodded. "Surely you're safer with someone watching your back." Then, almost embarrassed, "Like me."
    To my surprise, he shook his head. "That just makes it worse. If I leave you here, with a nice owner, they would leave you alone. If I take you with me, you're my weakest point. The chink in my armor. The gap in my defenses. More importantly than that, I would need to teach you swordsmanship."
    I sucked in a breath. "Everet, that is heresy," I hissed softly. "Stock cannot be armed in Kesselgard. Even if you weren't found guilty of heresy, I would be burned alive just for a scabbard on my hip."
    He smiled. "You've held a sword before, when you were showing them to me at Rurik's."
    I frowned, unimpressed. "That is completely different and you know it, Everet."
    He grinned briefly, then shrugged with a frown. "You'll also need to learn swordsmanship so I can free you as a second-class citizen of Valen."

Cut for a lot of reasons. The whole conversation ended up taking a much different flow. This one is also very spoiler-heavy and it's way too early in the book for it. Also the mirthful atmosphere between the two main characters didn't suit the mood I wanted to go for. It included info I decided I wanted to drop later, broke flow, shaped the whole conversation around itself, puts sideways pressure on Miren, makes the book sound like it's going to take a different path... yeah, I saved bits of it for later and ditched it almost wholesale.

Snippet 4: Swordsmanship? Dumped in a village?

Spoiler

    I shook my head. "Why swordsmanship?"
    He grunted and moved in the pillows, wincing when he moved his arm by accident. "Because to pass the citizenship test you need three uncommon marketable skills. You have your embroidery, which is very detailed. You can read, and well, which is remarkable. Swordsmanship is legal for stock - er, half-humans - in Valen, and… it's the only other skill I can teach. The only one I know." He shrugged with the good arm.
    My mind spun. "So your plan is for us both to be on the road, training in the woods, and when we reach Valen, you're planning on granting me citizenship immediately."
    Everet nodded. "As soon as we get there."
    I frowned. "And then you just… dump me in a village? Why not let me learn something less heretical after I get there for my third skill?"
    "Listen to me, Miren. The western third of Kesselgard is very dangerous," he said sternly. "Swordplay will help sharpen you and drills will help your reaction time. I can't have you cowering whenever someone throws you an apple."

The whole swordsmanship convo and citizenship is too early, breaks flow, pulls an emotional discussion into a political and bureaucratic one. And then Miren rolls off with "So are you gonna dump me in a village, Everet?" Also featured: Everet being a flub.

Snippet 5: Everet tries to dissuade her

Spoiler

    I blushed to my ears and tilted my head forward, but there was a small scrap of amusement under it. I tried to imagine it: being a… a person. A different country. Free to own a house, to go where I pleased, to buy what I want, to work and get paid, to -
    It was terrifying. Horrifying, even - it felt impossible. It felt as if someone told me to leap from a cliff and promised I would land safely. But Everet's face was calm, serious, and I couldn't imagine him telling a tale. It slowly sank in. This is real, I thought, my mind grappling with the enormity of it. This could actually happen.
    Tears welled in my eyes as I had a beautiful vision of myself with a bare neck, no collar, standing on a hill overlooking a picturesque city and palace at sunrise, sword at my hip, free to… to live, in a world where no one could hit me, or deny me food, or touch me without my permission.
    I looked up at him, an almost feral hunger in my eyes. "I'll do it," I whispered fervently. "No matter how dangerous it is, if there's even a chance -"
    "You could die," he interrupted. "I want you to be very sure about this, Miren, because once we're on the road we can't turn back. I could theoretically find you a good home in Raukenhall once we get there, but I won't have time to research."
    Laughing softly, I wiped my eyes with my furry forearm. "You don't understand," I whispered. "At the farm, the girls in my stall, we used to talk about what kind of owners we hoped we would get.

Wholly unnecessary, breaks the flow, too lighthearted (see: sudden laughter). Miren needs to be laser-focused and determined in this spot for maximum punch. Also Everet being a flub. Because of course.

Snippet 6: In which there is more food and we don't actually cut straight to the bath scene

Spoiler

    Then Everet leaned back against the pillows and let out a breath. "At least eat your oats first," he muttered. "I would prefer not to train a future swordswoman who topples over in the road."
    A laugh broke from me despite everything. And because I could not help it, because the dark smog of the world had opened and let through a blade of light, I bent over my bowl and smiled so hard it hurt.

The bath segue worked better and helped establish their deepening fondness for each other (especially Miren for Everet, because he's literally the first habitually kind person she's ever met in her life). Also the prose here was too cringe. Ew. As to food, making there be less is a good push towards them hurrying to the market - but first meeting Branka.

[Talvieno]

Chapters 15-16 (after being fitted by Branka, up until Branka leaves and they hit the road)

Miren is too self-aware about her feelings (deleted text)

Spoiler

a strange fluttering tightness in my chest. I would settle into the chair across from him, basking in his sunshine.
Slow down, stupid, my mind hissed at me. The Church could still take him at any time.
"I don't care," I'd whisper back. "Being near him feels too nice." But I didn't care to examine why.

"Basking in his sunshine" is a lovely phrase and I might use it again somewhere, but the thing is, Miren has never experienced proper feelings for someone and has been taught her entire life that she's incapable of love. This is a little too early in the story and a little too on-the-nose.

Everet notices Miren's ears (moved scene)

Spoiler

"Your ears are up," he observed, leaning up against the wall. "That means you're happy, right?"
My face exploded with heat, and I spun around, almost backing away. "You notice that?" I whispered before I could stop myself.
He laughed. "I've lived with you for two months now, Miren, so yeah, I've noticed how you act." A pause. "Does that… bother you?"
After a confused hesitation, I shook my head and swallowed, head down, going to fill the bowls with stew. "It's just… different." And kind of endearing, my mind added unhelpfully, but I clamped down on that thought before I could dwell on it. "Rurik sometimes got annoyed when my ears moved but he had no idea what it meant."

This lovely little scene actually got moved to the next chapter for the sake of flow, pacing, and relationship pace. This is flirting-adjacent from Everet. "I watch your body and I want you to know about it".

Everet notices Miren's ears and everything is awkward (moved scene)

Spoiler

"Your ears are up," he smirked, pointing with a spoon.
The effect was immediate. Blooming with warmth, I turned my face to the side for a moment, then looked up at him through my bangs. "You're teasing me now," I murmured.
"They're still up though," he chuckled, and mercifully turned his attention back to his soup.
I decided it was time for a subject change.

Earlier version of the ears scene that was poorly paced and abrupt. The bangs thing is cute. The rest moves on too quickly.

Everet reciprocates interest (deleted paragraph)

Spoiler

And then he wanted to know about my life. I told him of the farms - the little stall where I lived, and the other girls I was kept with. I told him about the days where we were let into the yard, and the wash days, and inspection days. I told him about my mother and everything I remembered about her, and he listened with interest.

Good content, not bad, but it was cut for reasons we'll get into later in the novel. I might move a version of it somewhere down the road.

Everet discusses the citizenship test too early (moved text)

Spoiler

." He grunted and moved in the pillows, wincing when he moved his arm by accident. "To pass the citizenship test, you need three uncommon marketable skills. You have your embroidery, which is very detailed. You can read, and well, which is remarkable. And the third skill, I can teach you

It was a good idea, but I moved it to the road training segment. It fit better there, it wasn't necessary here. Actually, this got moved from the first conversation about Valen, so this one little microscene ended up moving a LOT over time.

Miren accidentally friendzones Everet (deleted, non-canon)

Spoiler

I was being treated like more than common stock - I was being treated like more than Everet's pet caprine he left at home. It took me some time to name it, and I had to draw from human parallels.
He was treating me like a friend.

By this point (tower scene) we know Miren absolutely would never friendzone Everet - but that wasn't really the point here. The point was to emphasize their growing relationship. The word "friend" is unfortunate though, and doesn't accurately portray their growing feelings. Additionally it's really just too on-the-nose. I realized I could trust the audience more. Show, not tell.

[Talvieno]

Chapters 17-18: The Road (first getting on the road and traveling to Altenrast)

Miren dances (Removed scene, non-canon)

Spoiler

Really, the forest was overwhelmingly lovely. I'd heard Rurik's customers talk about the forests, of course - trees so thick you couldn't see houses past them - but seeing it in reality was so much different. Everywhere I looked were trees and bushes, their branches meeting over the road in a way that felt to my heart like a warm embrace. Sunlight rippled through the soft green of their leaves, casting rippling shadows on the ground.
"It's so beautiful, Everet," I breathed, slowly twirling as we walked, drinking it in. I felt a rush of joy tremble its way through me, and then, suddenly, I was dancing, swirling and swaying under the dappling light through the trees, captivated by their beauty. It was an entirely new world, free of the ugliness that came with being stock.
Everet chuckled behind me; I felt his gaze lingering as I swayed and spun about. "When you talked about it before, you always made it sound so grim," I said,
"It is grim, compared to the old world," he said, smiling softly. "You act like you've never seen a forest."
"I haven't," I whispered, stepping close and watching the sunlight dapple on his hair. "I've never been outside the smoke and stone of Falkenbruck."

Removed because although it's mostly in character, it felt a little extreme, and it didn't fit with the intended tone of the chapter. I wanted to let Miren's awe and wonder really hit somewhere later on where it would have more impact - for example, the Tower scene.

Miren sees a horse (Removed scene, mostly canon)

Spoiler

I heard a distant, rhythmic thumping behind us.
"To the side of the road," Everet ordered, guiding me with a strong hand on my shoulder into the tawny grass. "There's a rider coming."
Rider? I stepped where he demanded, but my mind was thoroughly puzzled. Riding what? And then, moments later, my breath caught with awe.
Around the forest bend thundered a creature - strong, sleek, muscled body, thin but powerful legs, clattering hooves and a long neck. It took me a moment to draw the name from my memory and match it, and when I did, it almost floored me. "A horse!" I choked out in a gasp.
"Shhh," Everet whispered back, pulling me a little closer to him. We watched as the horse and hooded, armored rider thundered past at a gallop, headed inland. Only after it had rounded the next bend did he release me.
I looked up at him in dumbfounded awe. "A horse, Everet - a real one!"
He laughed softly, amused. "Is that your first time seeing one?"
I nodded quickly, looking down the path like I might see it again. "I never saw one in Falkenbruck, but I heard people talk about them sometimes," Then, ashamed, "I wasn't sure they were even real."
Everet smiled and started wallking again, motioning for me to follow. "There are only a handful left," he said over his shoulder. "During the Dimming, they started to die in vast numbers. It's hard for them to survive without the magic of the old world."
I nodded, falling into step beside him. I looked up at his face, brushing my bangs out of my eyes. "So only the King has them?" I asked.
"More or less," he shrugged. "Only kings can afford their care. On the road it means a royal messenger."
I thought about this for a time. Such a beautiful creature, I thought. And yet, Everet doesn't seem impressed. Like it's something

Really, this one was just cut due to wordcount and how it felt too expositioney/lore dumpy.

Miren examines what Everet is carrying (deleted text, non canon)

Spoiler

I looked up at him as his fingers brushed my throat, watching raptly as the sunlight caught in his dark, messy hair. But it was over too quickly, and he stepped back, coiling the rope and tying it at his waist. "There. And we should eat something, too."
He swung his pack off his back. His was a lot heavier than mine - swords, a small shield, extra blankets, more gear. My body already ached from walking, but I felt like I had no right to complain compared to how much he was carrying. After a moment, he pulled out a couple pieces of dense rye bread and handed one to me. "Come on, Miren." He shouldered his pack again and kept walking.
I followed obediently, adjusting my straps and taking small nibbles from the dense bread.

I liked the idea of saying exactly what Everet has so he can't batman his way through situations later, but the fact is, this is kind of transparent. Also it breaks flow. Also I've decided he doesn't have a shield even if it makes sense. Sorry Trigger.

Miren builds a campfire (deleted text, canon? idk)

Spoiler

I couldn't pull my mind away from it as we entered the clearing and started taking off our gear. "Have you ever seen something so beautiful, Everet?" I asked, my heart feeling full and light. "Did you see them? The ears, and their little tails!"
"I did see," Everet acknowledged, though I got the feeling he didn't truly understand. "Now, come on. I'm going to show you how to build a campfire, and then we're going to train."
The campfire-building was interesting. Everet showed me all the steps, from clearing an area to gathering and stacking wood. He used a hatchet to gather some of the wood, which surprised me slightly - I didn't know he even had a hatchet.
"Are we going to light it?" I asked, after we finished stacking the kindling.
He shook his head, kneeling by his pack again. "Not until we have to. But for now - let's train."

We really didn't need me to tell you how to build a campfire. It adds nothing to the story. Stripped!

Two fragments: Miren is scared of swords (deleted alternate universe, non canon)

Spoiler

Those words sent me spiraling into a deep pit of anxiety. "Are you sure?" I whispered in a small voice, crossing my arms in front of me like it was cold. "I've never swung a sword before." You're going to disappoint him, the voices hissed at me. He's going to regret bringing you along. You're still close to town and he's going to turn around. "Am I really going to be good enough to fight beasts by the time we reach Valen?"
That made him pause. "It's not just about the fighting," he said slowly. "I expect you to be only barely able to hold your own against an untrained bandit by Valen. More importantly, you won't be able to earn citizenship without swordplay."
I looked to the side and tilted my head, uncertain. "What? How does that make any sense?"
Everet sat down on a rock and sighed, unstrapping his pack. "To earn citizenship, you need three uncommon marketable skills. Your embroidery is one - it's excellent. Your reading could use some polish, but it's much better than a commoner. And for third -"
"Swords," I muttered, downcast. So now your freedom hinges on this too. You're going to ruin this. "So it's not just for defense."
"You're a quick study." He pulled out two plain-looking swords from a cloth bundle - similar to his, but less fancy. Training swords, I realized quickly. But instead of handing one to me, he only straightened and said, "

Spoiler

"Everet," I whispered anxiously, looking up at him and trying not to shake.
He frowned at me. "Illegal or not, you can't earn your freedom without this," he reminded me in a flat voice.
I nodded quickly, biting back my fears. "Okay." My fingers tensed on the hilt, and I tried to hold it like I'd seen soldiers do in Falkenbruck.

I decided I wanted the scene to take an entirely different tone upon further reflection. You see, Scared Miren is well and good, but this was actually an excellent opportunity to show Enduring Miren - the Miren who's in pain and forces herself through with the training anyway, for all her little reasons.

Also it fit better with the chapter tone.

Miren is terrified while learning deportment (alternate universe non-canon)

Spoiler

"All right, gear on the ground near your bedroll," he ordered. "And remove your jerkin and leather overskirt. Let's have you just in the dress."
I hesitated. "Exercises?" I asked, reaching to unfasten the jerkin. Everything in me ached painfully at the thought.
He shook his head. "No. I just want you to stand in front of me."
The thought of this made my chest tight. "Okay," I said slowly. I carefully slid the jerkin over my head, careful of my horns, and then untied the overskirt, and everything else until I was standing in front of him in boots and my belted travel dress.
Everet paced in front of me, eyeing me. "Straighter," he commanded.
I stood straight.
"Less tense in the shoulders." When I couldn't fulfill that request, he added, "Breathe deep, Miren. Try to relax. Let out the tension."
I nodded, breathing deep, and tried to comply. "What are we doing, Everet?" I asked, a little nervous. "Is this related to swordplay?"
He shook his head. "No. You need to be able to conduct yourself like a free woman, not stock. Head up, chin level. Clasp your hands just below your belt." Moments later, "Don't fidget like that with your fingers. Hold them still."
I frowned, but obeyed.
He shook his head. "Keep your face clear. Don't reveal your emotions."
I glanced at him, puzzled again. "Human women in Falkenbruck show their emotions all the time," I protested quietly.
"I'm not taking you somewhere backwards like Falkenbruck," he said, almost stern. "I'm taking you to Aurelac, the King's City in Valen. Now, hold that pose and walk forward five paces."
I nodded and obeyed, taking a few quick, nervous steps forward.
"Wrong pace," he barked, furrowing his brow. "Too fast. Be slow, light, and deliberate. Try to keep your head level."
I frowned, chest tight and ears flat. "Everet, is this really necessary?" I began, but he shut me down immediately with a frustrated look.
This went on for a while longer, until my lip was trembling and
"Hands still, one over the other," he demanded again, and a whimper escaped my lips as I tried to comply. The change in his expression when he heard the noise was immediate. Gentler, he said, "Miren." He walked close to me, his stance softening. "I just want to give you the best chances that I can."
"This isn't natural like sword footwork," I whispered, eyes down, shielded by my hair.
"Miren, I know," he said softly. "But when you master it, you will be magnificent. I can't train you with the sword every single day without hurting you, and we shouldn't waste the time."
"We could just… walk more?" I asked. "And maybe arrive earlier in winter?"
He shook his head roughly. "No, I want you to be ready when we arrive." There was a long pause while he thought, staring at the ground. Finally, he straightened. "Do you remember how the noblewomen in Falkenbruck acted? Or at least the ones who were better off?"
I looked up at his face, thinking. "Yes… though I mostly saw them at the Night of Cinders festival. Rurik took me every winter."
A stab of pain crossed the man's face. "Well, that's cruel," he muttered. "But yes - remember how those women walked. Try to walk like they did. And remember - you're caprine. Instead of agility, focus on looking like you're steady and unshakeable."
I nodded quickly, looking down. "All right." I stepped back and raised my chin, lowering my shoulders, and stepped forward.
It came easier after that. "Act like a noblewoman" was a lot easier than "put all these small behaviors together."

Rough, ugly, and way too much "Miren is scared!" We have plenty of time for Miren to be scared later. Altenrast is scary enough. [REDACTED] is scary enough. Priests checking her collar is scary enough. I want Miren to also be courageous - terrified, but moving forward because she wants this new life she's been promised. She is not a timid, passive waif and that needs to be well-established and lived.

Also, on a different note, Altenrast is enough tension that this early road chapter (which is supposed to be mostly peaceful) turned out to be way higher on my excitement/drama scale than I intended it to be. I've got that sawtooth pattern going with regular rises and dips, and the first road chapter needs to start off at a low, peaceful point - hence, the deer, and the gentle training.

Each two/three chapters naturally follows a gentle upwards slope, too. So we've got a lot of little bounces in there so we can vary the tension and make the heavy impact chapters hit harder by virtue of being peaks in the surrounding gentler content.

Plus you don't want to exhaust readers.

That's all until next time!